Siblings should get along and other fallacies

After seeing the giant book of Norman Rockwell illustrations on my mother’s coffee table during my recent visit, I’ve noticed there’s a belief pattern that I’m dubbing “the Rockwell storybook family syndrome”.  She and her sister are once again not speaking, and this time my mother is questioning whether or not she actually wants a relationship with her only sibling, given the years of hurtful experiences between them.

She flips back and forth between those sentiments and the big nasty SHOULD: “but maybe we should see each other and have a relationship because we’re sisters and we’re the only ones left!” This is followed by a big sigh and a sense of despair.

I see this pattern frequently with clients, this idea that life should follow a certain course, that families should behave in specific ways, and that people should get along simply because they’re related.  These ‘shoulds’ and idealistic expectations are all well and good if you happen to be fortunate enough to have grown up in a family that was respectful, supportive and harmonious most of the time. I don’t know about you, but I haven’t met too many people who have had this experience! If you’re one of those who have, well, right on! You likely have a lot less baggage to clear than the rest of us who grew up in dysfunction junction!

When clients come in proclaiming all these righteous ‘shoulds,’ I sometime ask, “so how’s that working for you? Does it make you feel happy and connected, or do you feel disappointed, frustrated and sad?” It’s clear that there’s an attachment to the ‘shoulds’, the expectations, the vision of some Rockwellesque storybook image of what a family should be and how they ought to get along. I believe that it’s one of the main drivers behind holiday blues for many people.

So, how on earth can we stop ‘should-ing’ ourselves? If our family relationships aren’t the picture-perfect image of love, care and acceptance, how do we stop running the exhausting patterns of ‘shoulds’ that bring us such unhappiness and discomfort?

Acknowledge unreasonable expectations

The first step may be to simply become aware of any underlying assumptions you’ve made about your family relationships. Do you hold any of the following expectations?

Families should:

• get along
• love or like one another
• support one another
• accept each other
• stay in touch
• say “I love you”
• get together for holidays
• enjoy one another’s company
• eat dinner together
• take care of each other

Of course it’s wonderful if your family does all these things. Most families, however, are operating from a whole pile of ‘shoulds’ that are keeping things glued together in a big dysfunctional tangle.

Clean up your side of things

We may not like it, but the fact is that we can’t change someone else.  We can, however, change our thinking and perceptions. This may be a shocker to you, but I’m going to recommend using EFT or other mind-body therapies to do this!

Some things to consider when looking at your side of the equation:

• Is it possible that you may be participating in or perpetuating this dynamic in some way?
• Are you fully accepting and understanding their point of view?
• In what ways are you holding judgment about their actions or behaviours?
• What old beliefs about yourself and the world come up when triggered by family?

If you think this may be an issue for you, here’s a short exercise to help you take a look at it more closely, as well as further information about creating more realistic expectations: Families and Expectations Worksheet

I’d LOVE to hear your thoughts and stories about this. Please post them below!

Cheers,
Stephanie

Examining your relationships

“You’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
–           Jim Rohn, motivational speaker

One of the topics in the mentoring group that my partner and I have been running is relationships and their influence in our lives. About six years ago, my partner and I, after watching the movies What the Bleep Do We Know and The Secret, decided to take stock of our relationships. We began to notice how we felt after spending time with people. Did we feel cheerful? Inspired? Content? Drained? Frustrated? Bummed out?

Based on these observations over time, we started to make some decisions about how and with whom we wanted to spend our time. Our social life became much more intentional, and as a result, everything changed. In a really cool way. We thought it would only have an impact on our chosen social encounters, since that was where our focus had been. A kind of magical thing slowly happened, however, in our other relationships.

Both of us ended up moving into work environments where we were surrounded by unusually wonderful people. By unusual, I mean people with whom we could laugh, play, work well and want to socialize with outside of work. I even ended up around people who hug (which is awesome for me!). We’d both worked in many different environments and knew that this was absolutely NOT the norm. We’ve often said that we feel that we’ve won the co-worker lottery!

So how did this happen? I believe that the answer is in the intention behind choosing what we wanted to create combined with ongoing observations about how we felt around certain people and then making conscious decisions based on those observations.

Sounds simple, right? Okay, so maybe shifting your relationships sounds like it could be a lot of work or too emotionally challenging. I’m here to tell you that it’s much easier than you’d imagine. In fact, I’m going to give you a couple of tools to get started right now.

1. Relationship assessment exercise

Write your name in the center of a blank piece of paper. Around that hub of you, start writing the names of all of the people in your life, placing them intuitively on the sheet where they feel in relation to you at this time (i.e. closest people somewhere near your name and acquaintances at the far corners).

Once you’ve done this, take a look at each person’s name you’ve written. Without giving it much thought (just go with your gut), place a plus sign above the people with whom you feel good, positive, encouraged and happy. Place a negative sign above those names of people with whom you feel tired, drained, frustrated, annoyed…you know the ones. Be honest about this and know that this is simply a reflection of what’s currently happening in your relationships.

Next, circle the names of people with whom you’d like to spend more time, and if they aren’t close to your name in the center, draw an arrow towards your name. For those people who are too close and negative or draining, go ahead and draw an arrow away from your name, sending them off to some other place that may be happier for them (and you!).

Just doing this little exercise will give you some insight and awareness about your relationships. It doesn’t mean that you need to immediately cut a negative person out of your life (although in some very toxic cases, that may indeed be what’s called for), but you can perhaps begin to spend less time with those people.

On the flip side, spending more time with the people who fuel your spirit and with whom you feel wonderful, will immediately improve your life and mood, which in turn will attract even more positive people. You’ll begin to easily spiral into more and more joyful and fulfilling relationships.

2. Relationship clearing audio

Sometimes you may find yourself “stuck” in a relationship with one of those negatively-charged people, whether it’s in your family or work place. While these situations can be challenging, there are tools to help you cope and to shift the energies of the relationship. EFT is one of those tools, and if you haven’t yet played with this, I encourage you to try it out.

Another tool is an easy kind of self-hypnosis called ZPoint. As a gift to my blog readers, I’m including a link to a downloadable mp3 to help you clear the emotional clutter that may exist between you and another person. Clearing relationships this way can begin to allow more acceptance and less struggle between you.

To access the Relationship Clearing recordings, please go here.

I hope you enjoy these exercises and that your relationships improve in every area of your life!

Cheers,
Stephanie

www.meridiantherapy.ca
To learn how to do the basics of EFT on your own, please go to the EFT Universe website and download the free manual.